It is apparently not easy to live a good life together for several years if we rely on divorce rates. This is around 50% in North America, which does not count couples who become dissatisfied or unhappy and that does not separate. It has stabilized if one considers the whole population but if it is calculated by year of marriage, we observe that the probability continues to increase for young couples. For example, the rate was 30% for couples in 1950, 50% for those trained in years 70 and 67% for those trained in the 90s (Goleman, 1997). Half of divorces occur in the first seven years of marriage. For second marriages, it is 10% higher than the former (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
Yet research shows that people generally are not only very satisfied with their relationship at first but also involved (in contrast to popular belief) and optimistic about the future of their relationship. It is difficult to imagine that it could deteriorate (Clements and al. 1997; Gottman & Silver, 1999). What happens to it that a few years later, they are rendered to think about separating? Why have they not been able to maintain their satisfaction and commitment? Can we identify differences between couples who manage to live happily together and those who fail? Are there factors that are predictors of success or failure of relationships? In recent years, research who ask this last question is particularly revealing.
In this research, many couples are followed for several years. Different characteristics of their relationship (eg, their modes of communication when differences, their level of commitment, sexual harmony, etc..) are observed and measured. After a few years, while couples can be divided into two groups, those who are separated or consider themselves unhappy and those who are satisfied with their relationship, it is checked whether membership in these groups is linked to the characteristics observed in early research, several years ago. Could anyone predict which couples would be separated?
Different research teams including those of Clements and Markman (Clements et al., 1997) and Gottman (Gottman & Silver, 1999) found that certain characteristics can indeed, with an accuracy quite large, predict the likelihood of dissatisfaction and separation. Surprising result, they found that the positive aspects of a relationship that began as the level of commitment, sexual harmony, intimacy, satisfaction, etc.. does not predict the likelihood of a successful relationship. What seems predictor by cons, is how couples react to differences and conflicts as they arise.
For all couples, differences and conflicts inevitably arise. They must decide where to live, how to divide tasks, how to manage money, what career focus, how to divide their leisure time with family and staff, etc. .. Differences in tastes, needs, priorities and ideas between partners lead to conflicts of interests are often difficult to reconcile. It's not having conflict is predictive of failure, neither the number nor the areas of conflict. The happy couple after several years have also subjects of discontent, unresolved conflicts and sometimes painful discussions. But among the couples who become separated or dissatisfied, there is much more frequently some negative ways of reacting to conflicts that are harmful. They should start a climb where everything is interpreted more negatively. The thoughts and negative feelings towards the other become pervasive to the point that in the newspaper, the positive aspects of the relationship are losing ground. There is not much of friendship is to say, respect and enjoyment of being together (Gottman & Silver, 1999).
The failure of marital relationships would be due to erosion of the positive aspects exerted by the negative behavior. According to several researchers, a negative act would offset many positive acts (doing an activity together, making love, etc..). That's what that would the positive aspects that have led the partners to be together and that fueled their satisfaction in the first time does not predict the success of their relationship.
We will see in the first part of this issue, what are the ways to respond to conflicts that are so harmful. We also see how conflicts emerge and evolve. In the second part, we shall see in what ways, according to recent research, couples can direct their efforts to preserve their relationship to erosion by conflict. The models presented here provide research and developments in the cognitive-behavioral approach couple relationships. They are far from round the issue. There are plenty of models to describe and understand the relationships. Each clarifies and different facets.
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